Nothing.

I have nothing to offer anyone here at the moment... not even myself which is, after all the point of this blog. Submission is non existent. His desire to use me and to guide me has also become a rarity. Perhaps he and I were simply not made for this type of relationship I don't know. I don't need to have it all the time... but I do need to have it sometimes. If this isn't part of our dynamic that's fine. I don't want another Master or Daddy... but right now, I am feeling a little lost because even my Daddy isn't being my daddy.

Things are hard for us right now and to be frank, I am not about to start listening to someone that picks and chooses his times for when I am submissive and when I am not based on his mood at the moment. I cannot go for days or weeks without a hint of it being required and then all of a sudden have to be meek and obedient. If I knew that hey, in the bedroom you are to be submissive whore then that's fine. If I knew that on Wednesdays I am to bow before him but only on the second Wednesday of the month then that's fine too but this on again off again never really sure whether I am coming or going bullshit sucks. Inconsistency is hard on my self esteem, my state of mind and my happiness.

Is it wrong of me to want to know what he desires of me on a regular basis? To want him to be at least mostly consistent in his desire for my submission instead of throwing it on me whenever he remembers that oh, shit she is supposed to be listening to me? I don't believe so. In fact, I would much rather that we only do this on an occasional or always on a sexual basis because that would be more consistent than what we have currently going on.

In his defense however, he is a damn good man and I am proud to be his partner. This just isn't working out for us for whatever reason... in fact, nothing in our lives seems to be outside of the fact that we love each other and even that is getting difficult at times because of outside influences. Life just plain sucks right now - that is the long and short of it. Maybe I will come back to blogging things of a sexual nature or about submission. Maybe I won't. At this point, I just want us to survive.

Thank you for everything all of you have done for me - the kind words, the attentiveness to my writing, sharing your own experiences. I hope that your days pass with light and love.

taiah.